


Homesick

by mageofmind (renegadeartist)



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Character, Post Audio 103: The Girl Who Never Was, i can't find the tag for the episode spirit but its post that too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 23:11:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renegadeartist/pseuds/mageofmind
Summary: Home is a complicated subject for Leela. She hopes one day this one won't feel so lonely.





	Homesick

During her travels, her dreams had been full of home and what that word meant to her then. Forests and shelters just barely staying upright, what few allies she had managed to gain, and the fear of her future. More often than not it was running, gracefully avoiding above ground roots and low hanging branches, shaking off pursuers or sneaking up on prey. It was the only time she had ever felt alive, and the only thing she truly missed from home. 

When her travels drew to a close,  _ home  _ gained a different and wholly unexpected meaning. For the first time, home wasn’t tinged in despair-fear-anxiety, wasn’t a preoccupation of hiding her thoughts from others. Instead, it was a ship that defied what her eyes told her, a humming in the air around her, in her head, and a deep voice and a brash personality. Oh, and a metal dog, but he only showed up later. He turned out to be quite important. 

On Gallifrey, home changed again, but it took longer. Dreams of travel became interspersed with dryland wanderings, sneaking through the bowels of the Capitol, and, eventually, her new allies that are verging dangerously close to how she interprets the word  _ friend.  _

She stays in the Capitol for them. She thinks that it might be a mistake, because these halls do not welcome her, they do not hum a song only she can hear, and the deep and brash voices aren’t the same. 

As home gained a new meaning, it tied her heart to a strange ship and a stranger traveler, and  she finds that it is not her old home of forests and half forgotten history that she misses, but her room in the TARDIS. It is never more potent then when she is walking the Capitol halls, gaining disdainful glances and harsh mutterings. 

The only place free of the tiring eyes of these Time Lords is her room, and even then they follow her, stuck rattling about in her head, and into her slumber. 

* * *

In her dream she finds herself running through the jungle like forests of her old home, her first home, with her knife in hand. A breeze fans her hair out behind her as she ducks and dances, her heart pounding fiercely, feeling well and truly alive like she hasn’t in so long. The air-light feeling of freedom in adolescence, snatched away by experience. 

The past, for her, is less a place and more a mindset, an ignorance of her circumstances. Worry was made of things that she could cut with her knife, could feel under her hands. Things became much more complicated when she fell in the forest, when a hand offered itself to her, and she was pulled off to the stars.

And, like the thought had made it happen, she finds herself tumbling to the forest floor. There is only a moment of stunned aching, where things seem much too real to possibly still be a dream, and then a hand offers itself to her, and she takes it. 

The owner of the hand tugs her up, and when she finds herself steady she looks up to see a stranger – not a stranger at all – with long hair, impractical clothes, and old, old eyes. 

“Are you quite alright?” they ask, voice soft. Concern glitters in their eyes, genuine, honest, and strange. 

Leela, warrior of the Sevateem, finds she cannot stop herself from smiling, with her face as well as her soul. She hears herself saying, “Doctor!” as she throws her arms around them, not caring that this is what Romana would call  _ wholly undignified _ . For a moment, she feels the safety and acceptance of the TARDIS again, a home that gave  _ home  _ a new meaning. “I knew you were not dead,” she says, pulling away. She looks over their face, and is almost happy that it is the same one they wore the last time they saw each other. 

“Oh, you did, did you?” they ask with a small smile. This one wears emotions openly, and she can tell that they did not expect to still be alive. She pulls them back in for a hug, because she knows they need it as much as she does. 

“I felt it. You would not let yourself be defeated so easily. Not after everything.” 

They sigh into her shoulder before pulling away. They tap her on the nose and say, “Well, thank you for your vote of confidence, Leela.” A faraway look pulls itself across their face. She thinks that they are seeing her as she used to be, younger and more full of wonder. It doesn’t bother her, because she’s seeing a mop of curled hair and a toothy grin. Their hands are intertwined with hers as they say, “It’s good to see you again. I’ve… well, I’ve missed you.” 

“And I have missed you, Doctor.” They smile, sad and distant, and she squeezes their hands. “I can sense loss. Is the girl Charley not with you any longer?”

Their eyes flicker down, refusing to look her in the face. “No. She’s not. We… parted ways.” 

“Not on the best of terms, I take it?” she asks, trying to match their soft voice. 

“No. But… she’s where she wants to be, and I can’t take that away from her. I just hope she’s happy.” There are words unspoken that linger in the air around them.  _ Without me,  _ they say. Before Leela can respond, they look up, not so much into her eyes as through her soul. It has been years since they parted ways, and she is used to the gaze of a Time Lord. She does not flinch. “But what about you? You’re not happy.”

Now it is Leela’s turn to smile enigmatically, her face touched with grief and sadness. “It is nothing you need to worry yourself over. My problems are my own, just as yours are yours.” 

She gets the feeling that they know more about her problems then she does, but this is not unusual. Thankfully, he does not bring up Andred, and instead says, “You’re living in the Capitol, though. All those prying eyes and stuffy bureaucrats. I can’t imagine you like it there. Other knows I didn’t.” 

Her smile turns a little more genuine. “I can’t say that I do, but Romana has worked hard to make me feel welcome, and that had made it a little more bearable.” She leans in a whispers, “I can see now, why you left. You are the lucky one, to not be stuck here.”

“I know,” they say, grinning. Then, it vanishes. “But you also want to leave.”

Leela sighs, and postpones speaking her answer aloud by looking around them. It jars her, because they are no longer in the forest. They are standing in the console room of the TARDIS as it was, though there is something different about it, as though obfuscated by memory. It is enough to remind her that this is a dream. She tries not to be too disappointed. 

The long haired Doctor does not look at home in these white walls, and she gets the feeling that she doesn’t, either. Not anymore. The humming of the walls and the song that’s made for her and only her are a gentle blanket that soothes those feelings. 

“I am considering it. I know that, if I were to leave, I would die.” The words are easier to let out, in this place. In this  _ home.  _ “I do not think the price for a longer life is worth it if I am trapped in a pit of vipers, unable to move an inch without someone trying to stop me, or my very existence being taken as an insult to the high and mighty Time Lords’ sensibilities.” 

There’s nothing the Doctor can say to that except, “I’m sorry. But you’re amazing, you know that? Don’t let them make you think otherwise.” 

Strangely, that’s what makes her realize she misses them dearly. 

“Oh… I wish you were here,” she says. Her eyes burn and here, in the privacy of her dreams, there is no shame in crying. “Though I know you would hate it, you would at least be here to take me away. We could travel again. If you have lost Charley, perhaps I could be your companion again? I am Romana’s guard, but I feel that I could be doing more. Experiencing more.” Her spine bends, and her arms wrap around her middle. “I am tired of being here, Doctor.” 

There are hands on her shoulder, and they gently push her up so they can look in her eyes. They take her hands gently, and they press something between her fingers. “I know. But there is too much you must do here, and I can’t take you because of that. Just stay strong, Leela. It’s what you’re best at.”

The world suddenly darkens, and the white, pristine console room becomes a vast, dark cathedral, with bookcases and candles and clocks crowding every surface. “And who says I’m not really here?” 

* * *

 

Leela wakes with a start and a gasp, to a room dark and silent. Something is clutched in her hands. She breathes out, slowing her pounding heart, and carefully unfolds her fingers. The white wax paper bag crinkles as she peeks inside. 

She finds herself laughing at the array of colorful sweets. She grabs one and pops it in her mouth. 

In the privacy of her room, there is no shame in crying from the relief of feeling less alone. 


End file.
